The emotional rollercoaster and a BIG decision

I've steered away from becoming too personal in this blog, because, well, its a public blog and no-one wants to hear self absorbed drivel about ones emotional state! Or do you? Well now I've decided to indulge. Those of you who know me well, also know that despite being a tough old bird I do feel things deeply and I dont always manage to hide turmoil or upset in my life, although after almost 45 years of practising hiding my feelings, its a well developed skill, to all but the most highly trained of eyes (about 4 people).

In the last week before I left I found myself crying, every day at almost nothing, this included being given a bookmark by Nicky and Paul (lovely, supportive neighbours) with a picture of Teggs Nose on it (this isnt actually a nose, its my local favourite hill to walk!), leaving Scuzzy (my spoilt cat brat) to go and have the best holiday ever in the Cotswolds and my mum saying that she would be proud of me even if I didnt manage to last more than a week here! It wasn't that I was actually sad, more like petrified and realising that I'd told the world and his wife that I was doing this so it would be too late to back out now.

What was I thinking? I had no development experience, been to sub saharan Africa once for 10 days, 10 years ago. You are thinking, a middle aged woman having a mid life crisis perhaps and needing to go to Africa to re-discover what life was really about!! Well I still dont know why I really came here, but I do know now, 2 months, on that it was the right decision. But it wasn't like that from the moment I landed. I spent the first 2 weeks wondering how I could possibly get used to being here, to shut out some of the more difficult aspects of life (some sights, sounds and even smells!), get into some kind of routine, try and remember who everyone was and to get used to the heat and the food. Oh and add starting a new job to that list! I wanted to run home, but I am far too stubborn to do that and thank God for that annoying streak of mine, it kept me here.

Slowly I adapted and stopped thnking about how long I'd been here and instead how long I had left. I've found myself really starting to notice and take joy in the most simplest things in life (yes even more Rosie!!), like switching on the hall light last week and saying to myself 'power, yes!!' like it was some kind of miracle. I take the time to talk to people in a way I've never done before and consciously take in the sights and sounds around me, even they are upsetting. So in a way, I am more emotional here, but in a good way. Making friendships here has also been very important to me and its difficult when people leave (Martin, Tim, Jamal and others) because they leave a gap that cant be filled.

So... I have made a big decison to extend my placement and stay till Christmas and I await VSO's response. The only thing on the horizon to scupper my decsion to stay is the impending rains. They have started. Everything stops, no more trips to the beach, even buying bread and gettign to work will be a major ordeal. I hope to cope with it constantly raining non-stop for days on end! So to avoid some of it I'm coming home for a month from 30th July to escape and enjoy the rain in the UK instead!

The pictures with this blog are all taken today at 3 different primary health care facilites in the Kenema District (5 hours from Freetown) where we are on a monitoring visit.